The simple psycology of animal instinct is to leave an injured or weak off-spring when the pressure to survive is threatened. I have been trying think why this week and these last few days have been so hard to see Charles as a child I want.
It is most noticeable at night when I am woken by his cry and find mum utterly worn out trying to feed him and too tired to think through why he is crying this time...
The little voice on my shoulder is saying you did not want this, this is not what you planned, he is just a burden, why go through all this for him...
Through that fog of gut-distraction I have to heave myself up and wake enough to put the counter arguments to myself again and again. Then, and only then, may I take him in my arms and help satisfy his needs working with Cathy.
The reason I believe is so basic I have no real control over it. Like the urge to pooh and run away when you are frightened. Like the instinct to cover your ears and duck down when a sound is too loud. The animal instinct is not to support a sickly child when you feel threatened yourself.
Right now stresses are very high for me with building work at home and the associated spiralling costs, neighbour problems, catching up with contract work and IT at Wilton Park all going through a peak of issues beyond my control. Through all this I have to stay calm and collected, the ideal Dad, perfect role model and support for Cathy. I have all these things under control and risk managed so they are not real worries; they just rise up and have to be re-examined to stay in check.
Some people say Children with disabilities are only given to those that can cope and I certainly feel I fit into that category, but the reality is many parents do not cope. Our coping mechanisms are largely determined by those around us and that is where we are very fortunate.
Thank you - all you concerned readers, meals on wheels inner circle and occasional live-in parents. It is you who are making this blog record so positive and full of real emotion. I can see how easily the story could be very different and Charles would be much harder to love!!!
If you have never been a parent you won't understand the above, and perhaps even I would not have understood it as a parent a few months ago, because you blank from your mind the most difficult times you deal with in life.
The way I deal with stress is to manage the risks associated with things beyond my control and mix regular pure simple pleasures into my life. Tomorrow is one of those days - a day of playing with motorbikes at www.dimarino.co.uk and then a trip out with the lads to the cinema. Followed by a game of squash on Sunday if I am lucky.
PS Please do not call or try to cheer me up - this is a release blog and I am fine - really.
PPS. Peads kits for the first responders are £1000 and we(you) have raised over £250 already. So check out the charity page on www.beadi.com to see if you can help more or advertise some donated item for sale. |